Ruined

it was a cold day and the mist of space sprayed messily over the cockpit's hull as captain atmanopolous von gutenberg the 3rd gazed steadily o'er the horizon. nine, nay, ten intergalactic freighters lay upon the stars and he knew this day would bear many glories and treasures. he called for the first volley of photon torpedo as he tweaked the hairs on his wirey beard. "today will be a good day, m'lads," he said with a grin.

suddenly out of nowheres a large battlecruiser uncloaked right in front of them and made this really cool 'fwwwuuunnnn' noise as it did so. captain atmanopolous was totally surprised and pointed to his trusted lieutenant commander data and said "open a hailing frequency, kenneth" because he often confused data's name with kenneth for some reason. then kenneth walked in the door and said "i really wish you would stop confusing me with that robot dude it's really getting on my nerves" and data said "i do not compute your human emotions" and worf came and shot kenneth in the face and screamed "NO ONE DISHONORS A WARRIOR" and everyone just sighed and looked the other way cause that was getting pretty old by now.

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so after data finished throwing the last of worf's body parts into the garbage chute, he went back to the bridge and opened the hailing frequency and to everyone's horror it was gary busey himself. "i've been expecting you atmanopolous," he said and then atmanopolous was like "oh really" and gary busey said "ya i got your call how are the kids" and atmanopolous said "fine, fine." but then gary busey's face got all mean and he said "ok but now i have to kill you unless you hand over the dolphin king's crown" so atmanopolous said "why would you want that thing it's made of paper and smells like old fish" and busey said "it is the key to the universe and with it you can open a portal to hell but i probably shouldn't have told you that. you're right it's worthless so you should give it to me."

then data jumped in and said "sir i think he's trying to trick us, i suggest running a full diagnostic on the dilithium crystals to determine any abnormalities" and atmanopolous said "what the fuck are dilithium crystals what the hell are you talking about. anyway let's go kill gary busey cause he's being a prick."

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so the whole thing turned out to be another retarded "i'm with busey" episode, and there's nothing captain atmanopolous hates more than "i'm with busey" except for maybe genital warts. you might be wondering how gary busey ended up as commander of a starcruiser at this point. well, to make a long story short,

Born to a Native American father and an Irish mother, Gary Busey grew up in Oklahoma. He then graduated from Pittsburg State University in Pittsburg, Kansas, a school name that I find mildly amusing. Having already tried hobbies/careers as various as riding bulls and drumming for a band with Willie Nelson (who is one of his best friends, along with Cheech Marin oddly enough), Gary turned towards acting. After an acclaimed stint in Tulsa TV, Gary began his film career in 1971 with a biker movie called Angels Hard as They Come, 17 years before his nearly fatal motorcyle crash in 1988.

Paying homage to his musical past, Gary actually performed his own songs for his starring role in The Buddy Holly Story (1978). His winning performance caught the attention of Hollywood, and he was nominated for an Oscar for the role. High hopes surrounded the critically-acclaimed Gary, who seemed perched on the verge of a very successful career.

One of the biggest impediments to this success was Gary's increasingly serious cocaine addiction. According to the responsible journalism of hollywoodjesus.com, "In 1979 a man who introduced himself as the devil delivered a gift to Busey's door. The present was a large rock of cocaine with GB carved in it."

Having succumbed to the devil (pictured to the left), Gary's personal life soured. More and more he was typecast in the role of the sinister bad guy in movies like Lethal Weapon (1987), Predator 2 (1990), and Under Siege (1992). Whereas these roles were a step down from his leading man days, I see no real tragedy in this, as he was very good at being evil (and creepy).

The real tragedy occurred after 1993, when Gary began to disappear from our national consciousness, finding work only in lesser features (such as Hot Boys (1999), a Master P production starring Silkk the Shockker) and made-for-TV movies.

In what could be interpreted as an encouraging turn, Gary Busey saw the light in 1996, turning his life away from Satan's drugs and toward Christ (read Gary's own creative stories about Christ, angels and the devil in the Words of Wisdom section).

Despite his dramatic conversion, Gary has continued to be surrounded with rumors of spousal abuse and marital tension. Apparently, at one time his second wife, Tiani Warden, even nicknamed him "Gary Abusey." After an abortive divorce attempt in 1998, the couple officially parted ways in a divorce filed on June 28th, 2000. Tiani has had Gary arrested for domestic abuse twice (that I know of) in early 1999 and late 2001. All these things aren't very funny, so let's turn once again to look at the picture of Martin Short. Ahh, that's better, isn't it?

Despite problems at home, Gary remains a big fan of Jesus, recently becoming an ordained minister. Apparently, Jesus loves him too, as Gary survived what sounds like a whopper of a surgery in 1997, in which a tumor variously described as the size of a "plum" or a "baby's fist" was removed from his sinus cavity. and then he bought a spaceship and attacked captain atmanopolous.

so at this point everybody was bored with the story and gary busey decided to kill himself to save everyone's time. this was a really nice gesture on his part. atmanopolous was totally stoked that he didn't have to look at gary busey's deformed buck-toothed ghoulface any longer.

also after he died a bunch of pigs came and ate his face like at the end of 'hannibal.' wasn't that shit nasty? also i think he was the stunt double for that scene.

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atmanopolous idly fingered the crown of the dolphin king, pondering its intricacies. then he touched his sac because it was bothering him and he had to sort of move it to the left, and in doing so, he inadvertantly opened the portal to the underworld that i mentioned the dolphin crown could do back in like the first sentence or something. you probably forgot.

anyway, atmanopolous was horrified when he and his crew began to be violently sucked through the infernal gateway. before his trusted lieutenant data could make it through however, a really fat dude got stuck while going through and like totally couldn't move or anything. try as he might, data just couldn't seem to get through with the fat dude in the way, and he and atmanopolous had a sad parting. then like a whitney houston song started playing and a tear fell down data's robotic cheek, which you wouldn't think was possible cause he's made of metal and everything. but it happened anyway and that's what made it so dramatic. then the fat dude farted for some comedic relief.

so anyway if you've read this far you're probably either in a mental institution or the coolest person alive. or Burt Reynolds, but that is being redundant. who knows what crazy adventures await lord atmanopolous in the fires of hell, but i can tell you now it will probably involve some obscure celebrity and a bunch of run-on sentences. and a little sprinkling... of magic.

THE END
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it was a cold day and the mist of the seas sprayed messily over the starboard bow as captain atmanopolous von gutenberg gazed steadily o'er the horizon. nine, nay, ten merchant ships lay upon the waves and he knew this day would bear many glories and treasures. he called for the first volley of warning shot as he tweaked the hairs on his wirey beard. "today will be a good day, m'lads," he said with a grin.

suddenly out of nowheres a huge spaceship appeared and all these space aliens and stuff started shooting lasers in all kinds of directions but didn't really hit anything. well they hit this one dude but no one really cared about him. anyway so then captain atmanopolous was like, "shoot them and stuff," so all these cannon balls starting going toward the spaceships but were totally blown up by their forcefields.

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that's when the aliens revealed themselves to be dolphins as captain atmanopolous had guessed like all along. he knew that dolphins were too smart to be from earth and he stuck his tongue out at some other dude who didn't believe him before but now he did so he was all embarassed when he saw the tongue thing. then captain atmanopolous shot him because that's just the kind of dude he was.

so anyway all these dolphins started raining from the sky and landing in the water and stuff but a few had bad aim and landed on captain atmanopolous's ship and started flopping around all over cause they don't have any legs. but that's when they turned on their rocketpacks because they forgot to do it as they were falling for some strange reason probably because i didn't know they had them at the time.

so captain atmanopolous is all like "yarrr avast ye flipper" or something even though i don't think any of them were named that. he pulled out his lightsabre and sprung off the walking plank like a diving board, and did this really cool ninja move where he like cut a dolphin in half with one swing before it could even fart. then he stole its rocketpack in mid-air and immediately knew how to use it cause he was really smart and like went to pirate school all the time.

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so now the rest of his crew were fighting off the other dolphins and there was all kinds of explosions and blood. that's when he figured he would have his best chance at flying into the mothership which was shaped like a really big dolphin even though that really isn't very practical. he flew right into its blowhole and started fighting all the dolphins inside with karate kicks and then at this one point the camera rotated like in the matrix and you could see him dodge a laser.

so he kills like fifty dolphins and finally makes it to the cockpit where the king dolphin is. and the dolphin king said "so we meet again atmanopolous" in this condescending tone and atmanopolous said "no im pretty sure ive never met you before" and the dolphin king said "are you sure? i thought i met you last week at my friend larry's party" and atmanopolous said "ohhhhhhh yeah now i remember you were the big flying dolphin who was killing everyone and enslaving the human race" and hes like "yeah i thought so. anyway you managed to escape me that time but this time your number is up." and then atmanopolous's number came up and he went to pick up his hamburger he ordered from the cafeteria but was interrupted by the dolphin king shooting him in the chest.

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then everything was in slow motion and sad music played as captain atmanopolous fell to the ground with blood coming from his mouth and stuff. the dolphin king threw his head back and started laughing really hard but then the camera got really close to atmanopolous's eyes and they opened all of a sudden. then he jumped to his feet really fast like one of those luchadors from mexican wrestling and took his parrot off his shoulder who was holding on the whole time but i forgot to mention and he threw it beak-first into the dolphin king's mouth as he was laughing. then the dolphin king dropped his lasergun and was like grabbing at his throat but he couldn't reach since he just had flippers. and as he's choking on the parrot atmanopolous looks at him with a smile and says "choke on that for awhile, you big tuna" and everyone in the theater laughed because it was really funny.

so then the dolphin king dies but suddenly the self destruct sequence is activated and all these red lights are flashing. captain atmanopolous went to the controls but he couldn't understand them because they were all in dolphin language. but luckily the words 'self destruct off' are exactly the same in dolphin as they are in english so he pressed that button and the red lights turned off. then he started firing lasers from the mothership onto the other dolphin ships and they were all confused cause normally the mothership wouldn't be firing at them. so they all flew back into their ships and escaped back into space never to be seen again except like maybe later on in a sequel.

then down below captain atmanopolous could see all his crew celebrating on the boat and he pressed the fireworks button which was also the same in english and all these fireworks shot out of the dolphin ship's nostrils and rained candy onto his mates below.

and as the credits start to roll these two hot dolphin chicks who were left behind come up and sit on atmanopolous's lap and say something saucy and salacious and he's like "well i can't understand what you're saying but let's have sex."

then that limp bizkit song where he says "rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin'" over and over comes on and the screen goes black.

the end.

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Ruined

captain atmanopolous and the crown of fate VOLUME TWO

captain atmanopolous on the high seas VOLUME ONE

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